Medievalist: As Valentines Day approaches and the mood for love strikes even the most anti-social individual (that or the overdose of red hearts and teddy bears makes you want to run for the hills), here is a medieval how to guide to sex to help you. Enjoy…or well actually DON’T.

Medievalist: As Valentines Day approaches and the mood for love strikes even the most anti-social individual (that or the overdose of red hearts and teddy bears makes you want to run for the hills), here is a medieval how to guide to sex to help you. Enjoy…or well actually DON’T.

Medievalist: When being told I need to give up coffee

Medievalist: When being told I need to give up coffee

Medievalist: Stuck in the worst cafe, drinking something that barely resembles coffee and being intellectually raped by the ignorant, all while knowing that the Modernist is out there with the heavenly paradise that is Nespresso Vanilio in cappuccino form. 

Medievalist: Stuck in the worst cafe, drinking something that barely resembles coffee and being intellectually raped by the ignorant, all while knowing that the Modernist is out there with the heavenly paradise that is Nespresso Vanilio in cappuccino form. 

Nespresso Vanilio, delivered through cappuccino. Modernist says: “Almost any flavoured coffee served in a franchise cafe is a disgusting mess of globular, child-friendly, deliberately quirky, falls on its face, cloy garbage. Thank goodness Nespresso is on hand to deliver us from imprecise, cack-handed student baristas pouring bottle of syrup from locations unknown into already over-milked coffees and claiming they’re “nutty” or whatever. Oh, how I loathe them and how I love subdued hints of vanilla presented in just the right proportions in this vanilio grand crus. Get a hold of it, pour it over your face.”

Nespresso Vanilio, delivered through cappuccino.

Modernist says: “Almost any flavoured coffee served in a franchise cafe is a disgusting mess of globular, child-friendly, deliberately quirky, falls on its face, cloy garbage. Thank goodness Nespresso is on hand to deliver us from imprecise, cack-handed student baristas pouring bottle of syrup from locations unknown into already over-milked coffees and claiming they’re “nutty” or whatever. Oh, how I loathe them and how I love subdued hints of vanilla presented in just the right proportions in this vanilio grand crus. Get a hold of it, pour it over your face.”

Petition against the consumption of coffee, unknown printer, London, 1674. Image taken from Tea and Coffee: a Modern View of Three Hundred Years of Tradition, Edward Bramah, 1972.
Modernist says: “Something to welcome back Medievalist into the country and provide some amusement. Coffee was an addictive fuel for seditious thinking, anti-monarchist ideology and revolutionary action, which is why Charles II attempted to limit its consumption through legislation which prevented the establishment of coffee-houses in 1675 as well as consuming the beverage in the home (in addition to chocolate, sherbert and tea). The year prior, a petition of women sent to parliament also described coffee as a “drying, enfeebling liquor”, which sterilised and rendered men impotent, in addition to causing them to take on more feminine attributes such as, to their dismay, idle gossip. In one passage they claim:"…our men, who in former Ages were justly esteemed the Ablest Performers in Christendome; But to our unspeakable Grief, we find of late a very sensible Decay of that true Old English Vigor; our Gallants being every way so Frenchified, that they are become meer Cock-sparrows, fluttering things that come on Sa sa, with a world of Fury, but are not able to stand to it, and in the very first Charge fall down flat before us. Never did Men wear greater breeches, or carry less in them of any Mettle whatsoever…"

Petition against the consumption of coffee, unknown printer, London, 1674. Image taken from Tea and Coffee: a Modern View of Three Hundred Years of Tradition, Edward Bramah, 1972.


Modernist says: “Something to welcome back Medievalist into the country and provide some amusement. Coffee was an addictive fuel for seditious thinking, anti-monarchist ideology and revolutionary action, which is why Charles II attempted to limit its consumption through legislation which prevented the establishment of coffee-houses in 1675 as well as consuming the beverage in the home (in addition to chocolate, sherbert and tea). The year prior, a petition of women sent to parliament also described coffee as a “drying, enfeebling liquor”, which sterilised and rendered men impotent, in addition to causing them to take on more feminine attributes such as, to their dismay, idle gossip. In one passage they claim:

"…our men, who in former Ages were justly esteemed the Ablest Performers in Christendome; But to our unspeakable Grief, we find of late a very sensible Decay of that true Old English Vigor; our Gallants being every way so Frenchified, that they are become meer Cock-sparrows, fluttering things that come on Sa sa, with a world of Fury, but are not able to stand to it, and in the very first Charge fall down flat before us. Never did Men wear greater breeches, or carry less in them of any Mettle whatsoever…"

Medievalist: The realization that the term has officially started.

Medievalist: The realization that the term has officially started.

Medieval Dating Advice

Medievalist: The Fire Stone (Lapides igniferi) featured prominently in medieval bestiaries. The stone was believed to be either male or female and entirely inactive when kept in isolation of its opposing gender. However, when a male and female stone were placed next to one another they burst into flames and started a fire that destroyed everything in its proximity. These stones were seen as an allegory of male and female relationships. While kept separate the two genders were perfectly safe. The destructive nature of the fire stones when placed together showed the dangers of interactions between the two sexes with the fire representing the all consuming nature of human lust which was the inevitable consequence of associating with the opposite sex. This interpretation of the fire stone can be seen in the Aberdeen Bestiary (c.1200):

"On a certain mountain in the east, there are fire-bearing stones which are called in Greek terrobolem; they are male and female. When they are far from each other, the fire within them does not ignite. But when by chance the female draws near to the male, the fire is at once kindled, with the result that everything around the mountain burns. For this reason, men of God, you who follow this way of life, stay well clear of women, lest when you and they approach each other, the twin flame be kindled in you both and consume the good that Christ has bestowed upon you. For there are angels of Satan, always on the offensive against the righteous; not only holy men but chaste women too."

 image

St John’s College (Cambridge) Library, A.15, Folio 103v

The Gradual Abolition Off The Slave Trade. or Leaving Of Sugar By Degrees, by Isaac Cruikshank, published by S. W. Fores, 1792.
Modernist says: "A satirical print which lampoons William Wilberforce’s failed second petition to parliament to abolish the slave trade and the compromise by Home Secretary Henry Dundas for "gradual abolition", intended to delay abolition indefinitely. The process of abolition is compared to weening off sugar in tea. From the point of view of the reader, King George III and Queen Charlotte are opposite. Mrs Schwellenburg, the Keeper of the Robes is to the Queen’s left, two princesses, Elizabeth and Charlotte, are to the King’s right.
Each character describes their own level of indulgence for sweetener in varyingly mawkish ways. Elizabeth claims “I cant leave of a good thing so soon, I am sure of late I have been very moderate, but I must have a bit now & then.” while George states “Poo Poo Poo, leave it off at once, you know I have never Drank any since I was married Lizie.” Charlotte however distances herself entirely from the indulgence, tearfully proclaiming “for my Part I’d rather Want alltogether than have a small Peice.”
The Queen is the most heavily caricatured, she holds scales reminiscent of guinea measuring scales and places more and more sugar cubes upon them. She cackles to Mrs Schwallenburg “Now my Dear’s only an ickle Bit, do but tink on de Negro girl dat Captain Kimber treated so cruelly ha, Madam Swelly & Rum too.” who replies “Oh to be sure I was taken but an ickle at a time, an ickle and often you know & as for de Rum I dont care about it. good Coniac will make shift aha!!”

The Gradual Abolition Off The Slave Trade. or Leaving Of Sugar By Degrees, by Isaac Cruikshank, published by S. W. Fores, 1792.

Modernist says: "A satirical print which lampoons William Wilberforce’s failed second petition to parliament to abolish the slave trade and the compromise by Home Secretary Henry Dundas for "gradual abolition", intended to delay abolition indefinitely. The process of abolition is compared to weening off sugar in tea. From the point of view of the reader, King George III and Queen Charlotte are opposite. Mrs Schwellenburg, the Keeper of the Robes is to the Queen’s left, two princesses, Elizabeth and Charlotte, are to the King’s right.

Each character describes their own level of indulgence for sweetener in varyingly mawkish ways. Elizabeth claims “I cant leave of a good thing so soon, I am sure of late I have been very moderate, but I must have a bit now & then.” while George states “Poo Poo Poo, leave it off at once, you know I have never Drank any since I was married Lizie.” Charlotte however distances herself entirely from the indulgence, tearfully proclaiming “for my Part I’d rather Want alltogether than have a small Peice.

The Queen is the most heavily caricatured, she holds scales reminiscent of guinea measuring scales and places more and more sugar cubes upon them. She cackles to Mrs Schwallenburg “Now my Dear’s only an ickle Bit, do but tink on de Negro girl dat Captain Kimber treated so cruelly ha, Madam Swelly & Rum too.” who replies “Oh to be sure I was taken but an ickle at a time, an ickle and often you know & as for de Rum I dont care about it. good Coniac will make shift aha!!

Modernist says: “So, I think we’re back to being expected to educate people. Yay.”

Modernist says: “So, I think we’re back to being expected to educate people. Yay.”

mirousworlds:

nosdrinker:


Whoa. The MLA has officially devised a standard format to cite tweets in an academic paper. Sign of the times.

can’t wait to cite @assblaster69 in my final exams

Yea! Finally.

Modernist says: “Oh brave new world, that has such people in it. Somewhere, the faint sound of the old guard’s heads a-poppin’.”

mirousworlds:

nosdrinker:

Whoa. The MLA has officially devised a standard format to cite tweets in an academic paper. Sign of the times.

can’t wait to cite @assblaster69 in my final exams

Yea! Finally.

Modernist says: “Oh brave new world, that has such people in it. Somewhere, the faint sound of the old guard’s heads a-poppin’.”

(Source: warbyparker)

cah:

Wikipedia:

Wound Man is an illustration which first appeared in European surgical texts in the Middle Ages. It laid out schematically the various wounds a person might suffer in battle or in accidents, often with surrounding or accompanying text stating treatments for the various injuries. 

I like to imagine Wound Man as medieval England’s shittiest superhero. With the aid of his trusty sidekick, The Homunculus, Wound Man staggered to and fro throughout Christendom, bleeding and vomiting his way to justice.   

cah:

Wikipedia:

Wound Man is an illustration which first appeared in European surgical texts in the Middle Ages. It laid out schematically the various wounds a person might suffer in battle or in accidents, often with surrounding or accompanying text stating treatments for the various injuries. 

I like to imagine Wound Man as medieval England’s shittiest superhero. With the aid of his trusty sidekick, The Homunculus, Wound Man staggered to and fro throughout Christendom, bleeding and vomiting his way to justice.   

needsmoreresearch:

Sightseers Essential Travel Guides to the Past: Paris 1789: a Guide to Paris on the Eve of the Revolution.

needsmoreresearch:

Sightseers Essential Travel Guides to the Past: Paris 1789: a Guide to Paris on the Eve of the Revolution.

Beatus: The Spanish Apocalypse

Medievalist: Continuing with this summer’s Spanish theme let us turn to the most important and prolific medieval Spanish manuscript, Commentary on the Apocalypse by the Spanish theologian Beatus of Liébana. Today the manuscript and its surviving copies are collectively known as the Beatus manuscripts. The text was written c. 775 AD in the monastery of St Martin in Liébana in the north of Spain. The text is a commentary of the last book of the Christian Bible The Book of Revelations more commonly known as the Apocalypse. The book features the mystical vision of Saint John the Divine who foretold the end of the world. Alongside the exegesis the manuscript includes an elaborate set of images, one hundred and eight in total sixty eight of which depict the Apocalypse.

While illuminated exegesis of the Book of Revelation feature in medieval Northern Europe, the style and iconography of the Beatus manuscripts distinguish them from their Northern European counterparts. The illuminations are noted for the vibrant colours, geometric composition and multiple viewpoints which defined Mozarabic tradition of the Spanish Christians who lived under Arabic rule. An examination of the following page from the 10th century Morgan Beatus perfectly illustrates this style. The folio (112) depicts the opening of the Sixth Seal as described in Revelation 6:12:

"And I beheld when he had opened the sixth seal, and, lo, there was a great earthquake; and the sun became black as sackcloth of hair, and the moon became as blood"

The background is divided into four brightly coloured diagonals. This division of the page is typical of the Beatus manuscripts and the mystical nature of the images reflects the enigmatic nature of the text.

A Map of the Open Country of a Woman’s Heart by Daniel Wright Kellogg, 1833–1842. 
Modernist says: “Though this isn’t a lithograph from my particular period of study, I couldn’t resist including this spectacular relic of American Victorianism and self indulgent masculinity. The open country of the woman’s heart serves not only as a metaphorical map for the explorer navigating the trappings and pitfalls of the female personality, but also to demonstrate the ideal of how a woman should both act and aspire to be like. The land of Coquetry, Fickleness and Selfishness border the land of Oblivion, while the Land of Love of Dress and Love of Display run along to a delta leading to the Sea of Worth. At the centre of the map, the capital which doubles as the primary motivator for the ideal Victorian Woman is the city and district of Love. The only natural border on the map is the mountain range surrounding the Land of Sentiment, Enthusiasm and Good Sense which is contiguous with the Country of Solid Worth suggesting the area is not easily traversed and only the most dedicated traveler would able to inhabit it. The rest of the map is far more homogenous, the overlapping territories of self indulgence and flattery parallel the attitudes of the period that all women are fickle, self interested and duplicitous by nature.”

A Map of the Open Country of a Woman’s Heart by Daniel Wright Kellogg, 1833–1842.

Modernist says: “Though this isn’t a lithograph from my particular period of study, I couldn’t resist including this spectacular relic of American Victorianism and self indulgent masculinity. The open country of the woman’s heart serves not only as a metaphorical map for the explorer navigating the trappings and pitfalls of the female personality, but also to demonstrate the ideal of how a woman should both act and aspire to be like. The land of Coquetry, Fickleness and Selfishness border the land of Oblivion, while the Land of Love of Dress and Love of Display run along to a delta leading to the Sea of Worth. At the centre of the map, the capital which doubles as the primary motivator for the ideal Victorian Woman is the city and district of Love. The only natural border on the map is the mountain range surrounding the Land of Sentiment, Enthusiasm and Good Sense which is contiguous with the Country of Solid Worth suggesting the area is not easily traversed and only the most dedicated traveler would able to inhabit it. The rest of the map is far more homogenous, the overlapping territories of self indulgence and flattery parallel the attitudes of the period that all women are fickle, self interested and duplicitous by nature.”

weirdvintage:

Reasons for admission to the Trans-Allegheny Lunatic Asylum, 1864-1889—some highlights
- Deranged masturbation- Uterine derangement- Women trouble- Imaginary female trouble- Fell from horse in war- Over study of religion- Novel reading- Seduction & Disappointment

weirdvintage:

Reasons for admission to the Trans-Allegheny Lunatic Asylum, 1864-1889—some highlights

- Deranged masturbation
- Uterine derangement
- Women trouble
- Imaginary female trouble
- Fell from horse in war
- Over study of religion
- Novel reading
- Seduction & Disappointment

(Source: omranger, via weirdvintage)